For a long time, I’ve wondered about many things. Like, why are my family so divided? The answer to that isn’t kind; it’s hard. Jesus spoke of a house being divided. He told His hearers that it would fall.
Cold, hard truth.
That was when there was an uproar about one of Christ’s miracles. One of the religious leaders shouted that He’d done the miracle under the power of Beelzebub. Jesus wasn’t having any of that, and shot this message back, that there is a sin which can never be forgiven…
Read Matthew 12:22-37.
In my own household, there is also division.
I had yet another evil day, yesterday, in a five-year-long stretch of them. It always begins when I cry for help. I cry out for help, and, far from the power of God, I always get a heap of evil thrown my way.
Every. Single. Time.
And I’m getting worn out. I’ve often got to the point where I know I won’t survive this life, spiritually. Because I just can’t handle it. This is where I am again, today.
There’s a warning in Scripture about those who say they are Christians, but have no power, and the believers are told to turn away from them.
Serious stuff. And which one am I, in those first five verses of 2 Timothy 3?
I must match some of that, or I wouldn’t have been left like this.
Because I know that God is in control of everything, then He controls what happens to my family. Prayer has been going up for at least three decades for us all. NOBODY is interested in Christ, even after all this time. And the terrifying thing is that no one can come to Jesus unless His Father draws them. (John 6:44).
I was drawn, just over five years ago. But I have no idea why. I struggle with the fate of those I love and care about, and I struggle in case I’m a false believer. It doesn’t matter that I love sharing and reading Scripture. None of that matters. It matters that I LIVE like a believer.
But, for the past five years, and going into my sixth, I’m no bloomin’ good at it. Time after time, yet again, yesterday, one bad thing followed the next and it lasted all day. Again. And I reacted to it all. Again.
And the reactions were BAD. AGAIN.
That has been the main feature the whole of this time. My bad reactions. Well, we all know what Scripture says about that, in various places. James 1:21; Revelation 21:27; 1 John 3:4-6, and so on. There are so many Scriptures in this vein. Again, I’m drawn back to 1 Peter 2. From the very beginning, those Scriptures tell us to get rid of everything evil.
Again, it’s like I’ve been thrown back in a hole. Being alone sucks! You literally have no one to talk to, or to share things and pray with. It’s dangerous. But, because of the ongoing situation, I’m forced to wonder if I’ve been cut out of life because I might contaminate others? We all know the Scripture says bad morals corrupt good character. 1 Corinthians 15:33.
Because the disease the person I care for is a brain disease; there is now no chance to speak Scripture into his life and show Christ to him. And the things that come out of this person’s mouth are terrible.
I’m living with that, daily. And I’m making a complete mess of everything else. Bad morals corrupt good character.
So many people have said: “Oh, I’ll PRAY for you.” Well, folks. Things are still as bad as they ever were. And I’m in a hole, with no way out of it. My life does not reflect what Christianity is all about. There’s no power. There’s no Godliness. Things are just not working out, even though many, many pastors tell you that God spares all who come to Him. And I’m not talking about tele-evangelists, either.
I watch the likes of Charles Leiter; Paul Washer; Tim Conway, and so on. I don’t know where I’d be without them.
For a long time, I’ve been working through issues, and been left wondering whether I’m Scripturally watching my own destruction. It’s dangerous and frightening, where I am, at the moment. I get no comfort from belief, because James 1 reminds us: You believe? Good for you! The demons also believe…
And they tremble. James 2:19.
I don’t want to stand before Christ, after all this, and have Him cast me out. I want Him. But I’m no good at being alone with this any more.
One more Scripture which threw me, a long time ago was one out of Deuteronomy 28. The verses are 28 and 29. I thank God Almighty that I HAVE NOT been struck with madness. But I am living with it, and not coping, spiritually. The bit which, in some translations reads: “And there will be no one to HELP you” ring very, very clear. Now I know this set of Scriptures was written to those living under the Law; but it looks like the same thing is working all over again, in my time. That’s exactly what life is like.
How do other people, caring for someone with something like Alzheimers keep good faith? How am I going to stand before Christ without shame, on that Day, when I finally meet Him?
I’m sorry to have to write like this. It’s been coming for a long, long time. I’ve tentatively said, in past blogs that I’d start writing about this. With everything I’ve grown up and grown old with, I could do with a bit of Scriptural advice.
I REFUSE to turn away from the Giver of Life. That, I DO know. If there’s anyone out there who could spare a minute or two to rally around me, I’d appreciate it.
Oh God. I’m asking for help again. What will happen THIS time! The sky outside looks like it’s ready to drop. Folks, in all of this, I do still find time for laughter. But I’m getting sick of my bad moves. So I started writing…